Simon's Cat

Another Fine News Report from the Onion

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Warning: Contains cuss words so this is not for you Jolene Sugarbaker!

O'Hare: A Theme Thursday Post

The following is an excerpt from my travel essay titled Lesser Known Travel Goals.

O'HARE

Listening to recently returned traveler’s airport horror stories is so commonplace that I decided to make a game of it. This is similar to Bingo but instead, I call it O’Hare. Not because O’Hare is any more irksome than other airports but its five-letter name made a nice little square on my game board. The rules are simple. A recently returned traveler will receive one game piece for each travel mishap to be placed on the board accordingly. Certain mishaps qualify for extra game pieces (see below). If you get five in a row horizontally, vertically or diagonally you yell “O’Hare!” There is no prize, only bragging rights of course. Here are a few of the ways you can earn points:

-- your first glimpse at the length of the security line results in an obscenity, one game piece. Obscenity with descriptors, two game pieces.

--obnoxious plane passengers for any of the following reasons: crying baby, snorer, one game piece. Malodorous seatmate, one game piece unless it is the person you brought with you. Then no game pieces, sorry. Seated next to Australians, one game piece. And they are drinking, two game pieces. Religious fundamentalist (any denomination) trying to get you to accept (insert name of deity here) as your personal lord and savior, regional flight, one game piece. Transcontinental flight, default win.

--irritable security personnel. You can go ahead and put your game piece on this one before you even leave the house for the airport. Spending 40 hours a week telling people to take their shoes off does not make for a happy employee.

--Drug Enforcement Agency dog sat down in front of your suitcase, three game pieces. I 'm thinking of taking this space off though. These people might not be interested in playing the game.

--And, thanks to a fellow traveler in Cancun, my most recently added square: Airport wall fell on head. I also gave myself one piece for having to look at his particle board speckled hair for the duration of the flight.

Now here is an example of how the game is played. I once accidentally spilled an entire glass of ice water on a German man seated beside me on a plane. For that, he would have gotten one game piece plus two more for the fact that the plane was at least four hours delayed, and one for malodorous seatmate (In my defense, I had only wanted to spend as much time on the beach as possible before I had to leave). Given that irritable security is a free space, he would probably have five in a row and could yell “O’Hare!” That is, if he even knew that I was playing this game on his behalf. Actually he did yell something when I spilled the ice water on him, but I don’t think it was “O’Hare.”

Happy travels!

*Apologies to Australians, but y'all do have a bit of a reputation for being the fun loving merry-makers of the travel world.

Scandal at Etsy: Seller Found to Outsource Modeling Services to Foreign Employees

In these hard economic times, many Americans are out of work and struggling to make ends meet. It is inconceivable then that local jobs would be outsourced to foreign citizens.

I discovered one particular incidence of this as I was browsing through the Turtlefat store run by store mistress Essiewb, and stumbled upon this:

Uh huh. You see the problem. Upon closer inspection you will see that that is a Hunny Pot in the photo. Yes folks, this is Winnie the Pooh, and Winnie the Pooh is a Brit. So basically, Essiewb chose to hire a British model rather than a good American model.

Such as:

or:

or even this character:








Actually I am not sure about this guy. His resume states that he lives in "the Pacific ocean." I need to get clarification from Sponge Bob expert Knitwithcats to make sure he is in fact a "real American."

This is not the only controversy I have discovered with this store. Recently, I was contacted by a representative of the Tortoises United with Turtles Union (Tutu for short) about the slanderous continuation of the myth that turtles are in fact fat. Said the representative, who prefers to remain anonymous "We are not fat! It's all shell!"

I haven't decided yet whether a full scale boycott of the Turtlefat store is in order. This offense is almost unforgivable, especially since she used a common trick of those who hire illegal aliens, to cover her tracks. She hid the offending model among actual American workers--her two children, and a roll of toilet paper. For now, I will settle for a good, harsh, scolding.

And Milosez, I am watching you too. Be warned.

The Truth About Japanese Restaurants

The truth, finally confirmed, as two people talk while taped on hidden camera. I KNEW it! Nobody really eats raw fish.

Monkey Waiters

A restaurant in Japan has added two monkeys to its wait staff. What do you think would be the biggest problem with having monkeys as waiters in a restaurant?

1) The repeated mysterious disappearance of the bananas from the Bananas Foster.

2) Staffing shortages during the Discovery Channel's Primate Week.

3) Cold entrees due to arriving at the table from the kitchen via the rafters.

Which would be the biggest plus with this concept?

1) Could probably get away with using a few shiny buttons for a tip.

2) They won't arrive to work tired because they were up late watching the Colbert Report.

3) Don't have to worry about your husband flirting with them.

Dineometer's Financial Suggestion for the United States

Does anyone remember that reverse Robin Hood skit from Monty Python many years ago? Steal from the poor and give to the rich? That's what this whole financial bail out sounds like to me. All I know is that some financial executive's Caribbean retreat is being protected while an increasing number of my non-wealthy friends seem to be losing their jobs.

How are we, the shirtless masses, going to come up with the cash to fund this $700 billion plan? Well, we here at Dineometer have a solution.

Lets have a yard sale.

Yard sales are the traditional American way to raise some quick cash when short on funds. The U.S. has many things that are not being used right now and should be put out on the White House lawn with a big ol' orange price tag on them. I'm not talking about Amy Carter's tricycle from the White House attic, or unused bottles of spray-on-hair from the Reagan administration, we need big ticket items. Here are a few suggestions for underutilized items that could be sold:

1) North Dakota. Trust me on this one. I used to live there and we are not using this state. I suggest we sell it to Canada. It could be like a Florida for them complete with a Polar Disney (don't forget your parkas on the roller coaster kids!) and instead of a Universal Theme Park, how about HGTV World or Home Shopping Land (take a ride on the Hummel figurine-go-round). Apologies to my friend Kathy who lives in North Dakota. Although, I am not sure if they ever did get the internet up in rural NoDak so she might not even see this. Sorry Kathy!

2) Dan Quayle. Did you know he is still alive? No really. Lets pretend he knows a bunch of important security secrets and sell him to China.

3) The Grand Canyon. Judging by activities in my own neighborhood, we seem to be running out of room for high priced condos and really big houses. Given that the average visit to the Grand Canyon is only about 2 hours which is the length of a feature film, why not sell this space to land developers. For once real estate agents wouldn't have to lie about the "great view."

4) I can't think of any others right now. Any suggestions?

I think I'm going to go email this to my congress person.

Andrew Zimmern Has a Republican Problem

Poor Andrew Zimmern, host of the Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods. His adopted home of Minneapolis is overrun with republicans at the moment. He writes on his Minneapolis focused blog:

"I can also tell you that I cannot wait for the RNC to be over. First off, it means I can walk into a restaurant without having to deal with the inevitable CLOSED FOR A PRIVATE PARTY sign that seems to be hanging in every business I stroll into. Secondly, it means I don’t have to wait in line for three hours to get a sausage sandwich at Cossetta. "

Surprising for a number of reasons. First, we have all seen your show Andrew and if there is a three hour line at your favorite sandwich shop, one would assume you would have ample options for improvising. Is there not a live bait and tackle shop near by? I am sure there would be no line for the nightcrawlers and minnows.

Second, I got the impression from watching the news that Sara Palin kills and skins all her food on her own. Thus, no need for a restaurant. And those moose are big enough to feed all the delegates from at least 13 states including Texas. Cindy McCain doesn't look like she eats very much, if at all, so what would she need a restaurant for?

Thirdly, if there is a "Closed" sign on your favorite restaurant, why don't you just grab your camera crew and crash the party? America would love to see a Bizarre Foods Republican Party episode. Please, please find out for us what that sour faced Dick Cheney eats. He always looks like he has gas or something.

So Mr. Zimmern. We are not buying this story of hardship. I think you are just looking for sympathy.

As the Blog World Turns

I think it's well past time for another edition, don't you think? Here is a summary of some recent goings on in the blogosphere:


No time to knit the guinea pig dress we showed you in the last edition? Have a guinea pig wedding coming up and nothing to wear? Or maybe you are just offended by guinea pig nudity. If so, this is your site. Cuddly Cavies Creations also sells guinea pig diapers you will be glad to know.
























Need a card to express the 99% of life events that Hallmark won't touch? Maybe you need a card to congratulate your brother-in-law on his release from jail. If so then Dirky Shanks and their Jailbird Commissary store on Etsy is the place for you. There is something in this store to offend almost everyone and if you aren't offended, this will only encourage them to try harder. I even thought up a campaign slogan for them. Dirty Shanks: Cards that make you say "........."


In Shadows is a blog that focuses on Etsy's more unusual items. Highlights include corsets, jars of dirt, pasties, and the Freak Fish necklace which is a real, one-eyed fish encased in wax and displayed in a clear tube, which you can hang around your neck. It's a steal at $220 but hurry. There's only one in stock. If only I had discovered this seller before mother's day .


When will Chilly at On the Bricks learn that by advertising his wealth on the net, he only opens himself up to identify fraud, scams, and relatives begging for money? If any of you happen to stop by his site, please, please remind him to be cautious when discussing such issues.


Want a quick way to get links to your website? Just add "Hannah Montana" to a post title, as I did with this one and you will instantly be linked to numerous Hannah Montana "news" sites that apparently don't read what they put on their own websites.


And finally, congratulations go out to this happy couple. I have no idea who these people are but was captivated by this photo found here. I love the beautiful attire which I believe is a traditional Malaysian clothing called Sonket (correct me if I'm wrong). Hopefully I will one day score a Malaysian wedding invitation so I can go to one in person. Apologies to Roy and Irmy if they are offended that I posted their wedding photo on the same page as a guinea pig in a poodle skirt. That was not intentional and I mean no disrespect.


















If anyone has any complaints about content here at Dine-o-meter, please contact our complaint department:
knitwithcats
And don't forget to complement her on the Harry Potter sweater that she finally completed.


Stay tuned next time for more...(dramatic pause) As the Blog World Turns. (SuperTarget execs, your sponsorship check must have gotten lost in the mail.)

Anthony Bourdain V. Hannah Montana

The new season of No Reservations on the Travel Channel is starting tonight and, thanks to Catsworking and the sport she developed of spotting Anthony Bourdain's significant others hidden as extras on the show, I might actually have to watch.

Today's multiple choice quiz: Which of this season's shows would you most like to see?

A. Laos

B. Saudi Arabia

C. Columbia (say hello to Shakira for us)

D. Any episode where he drinks heavily, which is actually, any episode.

E. I'd rather watch Hannah Montana.

F. Laos and Saudi Arabia? Big deal. Last year he went to Cleveland!

G. Who the hell is Anthony Bourdain? Is he that bald guy that eats bugs on a stick?

H. I spend 22 hours a day blogging. My fingers are so numb from typing that I cannot operate the remote control, and actually I am not even sure if I have a television.

I. H above is very lazy. 22 hours a day of blogging is nothing! I blog 23 hours a day and I have 2 full time jobs. I haven't had time to eat in 2 months and am weak with hunger.

J. Is he going to Branson Missouri at all? Because I love Branson. I would watch that.

K. GO CUBS! (That's not actually a show, I just wanted to work GO CUBS! into a blog post somehow)

I'm gonna go with B. Saudi Arabia looks like one of those off the beaten path places I think I'd like travel to one day. But then I remember I'm female.

As the Blog World Turns

Here is a summary of some recent goings on in the blogosphere:





1. Great news! The infamous knitted guinea pig dress pattern and photo that I though were lost in some black internet hole, have been found, faithfully preserved by a blogger. The original site went down shortly after I sent the link to my brother, who in turn passed it along to a few thousand of his bored coworkers at the huge company where he works. What I found interesting was the horrified expression on its little face, although someone who has owned guinea pigs told me that they always look that way, even when not wearing a frilly green dress. The pattern includes detailed instructions on how to take proper dress measurements for your guinea pig. I had been searching for unusual knitting patterns and found that one, along with a knitted intestinal track and a penis cozy.

2. Catsworking has been hijacked. It has inadvertently become an Anthony Bourdain gossip site after this article became hugely popular, and was then followed up with the provocatively titled "Was Anthony Bourdain's First Wife a Vampire?" If you are interested in Bourdain gossip, this is your site. However, I will caution you that if you want to retain your image of him as just a lovable, free spirited, pickled livered, chef/author/TV host you may want to keep your innocence and not click on those posts. I am off to check out another of catsworking's intriguingly titled posts "Laura Bush's Misplaced Breasts."

3. There is a new meta blog for adventure diners called Mondo food. This allows those of us who are lazy to leaf through many food blogs all at once. There seems to be a wide variety of nationalities and food types represented so this seems to be a great resource for new blogs and unique recipes.

4. In analysing my stats I found this interesting: Who would you think would send more referrals? Sherxr over at Ur Resident Chef or Technorati? Sherxr 21, Technorati 2. Therefore, we can conclude that Sherxr is better than Technorati ; )

5. We may be having a heat wave but hell sure must have frozen over. Not only did knitwithcats update her blog TWICE in less than a month, but she is promising another post once she finishes the sweater she's been knitting for 8 or 9 years. (I think I might have finally pushed her over the edge with this post and may not return for Saturday knitting lest I be hit. We knitters are a surprisingly violent bunch. It's not uncommon to see brawls break out over sock patterns).

6. Even though there is a law about Tennesseans and Georgians socializing, and us Cubs fans certainly don't think much of Yankee fans, I thought I should mention Chilly at On the Bricks because he is always my top Entrecard dropper, despite my spastic return drops. For you non Entrecarders, this means he clicks on my website everyday. He often has interesting posts like this one: Man Gets DWI After Riding Motorized Cooler.


Thanks to my nieces I am now hooked on the Disney Channel and can't get the theme song from the Suite Life of Zac and Cody out of my head!!! This is worse than my noisy neighbors! Now I'm wishing they would come back and play their guitars at 1am so as to blocks out this infernal song!!! ....na na na...Suite Life....na na na....

Stay tuned next time for: ...na na na...Suite Life...na na na. Grrrrr! As the Blog World Turns.

As the Blog World Turns

Here is a summary of some recent goings on in the blogosphere:



The ghetto fab boys are back after a long absence (*cough*prison?*cough*) at Ramendays with more remedial cooking lessons for culinary tards. I think they are cleaning up the language a bit, which is appreciated by us prudes. Their mama must have slapped them around a bit. I would link to their site but actually I think their hip hop music far outshines their culinary skills.


Now that Angelika is sleeping more than two hours a night, people seem to be giving her presents. She has gotten a new fridge (but not one that I can write on, so this is useless to me), stove, and this from her Mommy Dearest (but I bet she is pretending that Hugh Laurie gave it to her).


CLEAR THE ROADS! And keep all potted plants, young children, and any other breakable objects inside!!!!!! Just kidding. I'm sure L will be a great driver.


Ya know how on TV when someone goes blank or is absent they play cricket sounds to signify the emptiness? Has knitwithcats.blogspot updated her blog? Click here to find out.


Oh, if only my cat would tolerate this from Small Dog Stuff without spending the entire time hissing, crying, and plotting revenge. It is so cute! I think my next cat is going to be a poodle.



I find this funny. And either I haven't seen it before in an email or I have early onset Alzheimer's. Either way, it made me laugh.



Kitty porn. (how many times have I mentioned cats in this post???)



Oh the sacrifices this person has made for the greater good, and for her blog. A true patriot and team player.


My noisy neighbors seem to have moved. Sorry to the new neighbors, whomever and wherever they may be, that have to put up with them. Why would someone think it a good idea to play a musical instrument at 1:30 in the morning when you live in a townhouse and your neighbors are two feet away on either side? I like quiet. I don't care if my neighbor is a serial killer as long as he's quiet about it.





Tune in next time for more...(dramatic pause)....As the Blog World Turns. Still not sponsored by Target.

The Missourian Species

I have completed my field research on Missourians and have learned quite a great deal about their habitats, environs, and food sources. Above you can see a covert photo taken of young Missourians at play in a large, inflatable cage-type thing. Amazingly, they will enter the cage voluntarily and it can be quite difficult to remove them. I have discovered that they seem to like to eat large wads of pastel colored cotton on a stick although they must beg the older of the species to be allowed to eat this. Odd.

Much of my research was completed at something they like to call a "festival". The young Missourians participated in some sort of ritualistic face painting and then were given inflated tubes twisted into shapes representing animals. Some put them on their heads. Afterwards, we returned to the habitat and placed circular disks into a machine, thus creating images on a screen, which we watched for hours.

Other random facts I discovered while there:

Missourians can be quite generous. They will let you stay in their homes, feed you, and may even carry your luggage. You must brush your own teeth however. They will not do that for you.

They are carnivorous. Definitely carnivorous. The do not actually have to hunt for the animals however, and the food source will magically appear at the feeding place, already prepared. Voila!

Missourians are allowed to pass freely between Missouri and Kansas. No passport is needed!

A great time was had by all and I plan to return soon to continue my research.

It's Time! (way, way, off topic)

Well it's almost the middle of April so it's time for all good procrastinators to....

make their New Years resolutions. You thought I was gonna say "Do their taxes" but there's still a few days left for that and no self respecting procrastinator would be caught dead even thinking about taxes until after August.

This year, I am going to resolve to stop swearing at the lady in the GPS (Global Positioning System). My friend calls her Betty. So, Betty, I apologize for all the horrible, horrible names that I have called you, even though, I feel that you have your own issues. For one, you need to realize that I am HUMAN. Humans make mistakes. I am not a bad person because I sometimes go the wrong way. There is no need to beep at me. Maybe you could just gently suggest that I turn around or something, adding a reassuring "That's OK sweetheart." And secondly, what was with that "Make a U turn", and then, after I made a U turn, you say again "Make a U turn." Did you think that was funny? I'll show you funny you st-- No. Wait. Breathe.... Remember your resolution. Oh and one last thing. If you could stop telling me to turn places that I am not legally allowed to turn, that would be great. Otherwise, I will sell your little metallic ass out when we go to court. "It was all Betty's fault your honor!" Just kidding! Betty, really, you are great. Now if you could just direct me to the nearest bar, all will be forgiven.

Appologizing in Advance to the Black Crow Restaurant, Beatrice Nebraska

Black Crow Restaurant,
Beatrice Nebraska

I was thrilled to learn that, thanks to Maxim magazine, the bar has been lowered to a manageable level for all of us overworked reviewers who really don't have the time to actually sample all the products we are reviewing. (If you aren't sure to what I am referring, read this article for a nice summary.)

Eager to try out this new concept, I chose, in honor of Maxim's review system, the Black Crow restaurant in Beatrice Nebraska. I've never been there, and except for a brief drive-thru on my way to Colorado, haven't spent much time in any part of Nebraska, let alone Beatrice and it's dining establishments. Now, I'm not even sure if this restaurant is still open. I feel it would cheating to do any type of research such as looking in the online phone directory, although I did find some guy's blog that provides a picture of the place, that for the life of me I can't seem to find again. So based on my recollection of that guy's photo I am going to make an educated guess and say that service is very good except for one person that works on Wednesdays who is sort of slow and usually has to cheat by looking at the board for the daily specials rather than memorize them. I will also guess that the eggs are good there. Get the eggs. The bathrooms are usually very clean but they need a better quality of hand soap that moisturizes as well as kills germs.

This is harder than it looks and I think that Maxim guy deserves credit. It's much easier to just go to the damn place and then write about it than making an educated guess. I am just going to have to cheat and look at someone else's review. Bill and Lori Schenk write on the Chef Moz site that it reminded them of being in Paris. I have never been to Paris either, so I will probably be reviewing that next. I see that pretty much everyone on that site is giving the restaurant four to five stars. I would also give it five stars, but I feel the need to take off points for the poor quality hand soap in the bathroom.

Dineometer rating: 70%